Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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