I wish my penis had an off switch
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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