If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
