I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
