Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
