I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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