im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize