i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
