Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize