i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
