it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
