The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Text me some of your sweat
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