my phone needs a breathalizer
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize