Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
