well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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