If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
