I faked an abortion last night.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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