The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
