clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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