i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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