I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
