I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
