I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
