smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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