then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
