I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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