You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
