There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
