don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
