you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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