I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
