I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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