I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
