Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
