I am in a vortex of obligation.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sober January is a disaster.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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