Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
