I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
