I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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