all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
