I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
