so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
