found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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