o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
