you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm really busy with my period
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