omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
