Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
