And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the day after is always just damage control
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
