i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just threw up on my dentist
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
