I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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