Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just had sex bonerless
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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