Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
