I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
