You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
